So I wrote this in my journal a couple of weeks ago and just thought I would share with whoever wanted to read it. Not sure if it's "right" exactly, but it's what was going through my head at the time and came out through my pen.
THE DISTANCE OF THE HEART
One can only truly know someone as much as they are willing to let themselves be known. You can really go your whole life thinking you know someone, only to discover you know nothing about them, about what's really going on inside them. The human heart and mind are so complex, so maze like, that it becomes so easy to lose oneself in them and never come out. By giving the appearence of complete honesty, yet revealing only safe thoughts, one can remain unknown their entire life. This seems to me so contradictory to the deepest longing in each and every one of us: to be fully known and loved. We all yearn for intimacy in relationships, another to share our deepest desires with, another who will know as much or more about our hearts as we do, yet still love us completely. But instead, what we do with that longing screams for an explanantion, for we run from love instead. We run so fast and so far from intimacy with others. We run with no goal in sight other than to escape those who would demand honesty and depth from us. And when we're done running, when we're out of breath, gasping for air as we place our hands on our knees in exhaustion, we decide to hide. We know the others will continue to search for us, so we hide, hoping beyond hope we will not be found. And it works. Our hiding protects us, for while others are outside frantically searching for us, calling our name, yearning desperately to catch a glimpse of our hearts, we remain hidden. We choose to close ourselves in this cave, this insurmountable cavern of despair that we ourselves have created. "It's safe in here," we tell ourselves. "No one can hurt us here," we tell ourselves. "No one will find us here," we tell ourselves. And no one ever will. No one can for they do not know the way into the cave or even what it looks like. Eventually the voices fade. The cries of loved ones longing to find us disappear, for the search has been called off. The worst has been declared. We are dead. No one will look for us anymore. We are truly alone.
The hearts of those who loved us so dearly and longed to see us have vanished. Our actions, our apathy, our hiding have kept us safe from anyone ever understanding us. We have chosen this solitude, this supposed victory, yet it feels anything but victorious. Our hearts still long for intimacy, and we finally admit the truth: we are lonely. "This is not what I imagined," we tell ourselves. "This is not what I wanted," we tell ourselves. "I need to get out of here," we tell ourselves. Yet we do not move. Our bodies, as if in suspended animation, simply remain just where they have always been. We are alone, and while it is excruciating, we do nothing to stop it. Our deepest desire of being known is clouded by the idea that when people really do see our hearts, they will not love us. So we remove the choice from them, retreating further into this pit, succumbing to the darkness. And the years go by without incident. This retreat into the depths has broken us, yet we remain in pieces rather than seek the comfort others longed to give us. The love they intended was not obligatory. No, it was sincere, real, but we pushed it away when we ran and hid. In our brokenness, we are finally silenced. Our mind is at rest for there is no need anymore to scheme or plan out how to evade love, for it has been evaded. We are lost. Even if we wanted to, even if our heart longed to find its way out, we cannot. We are awaiting doom and we are silent. It should come soon. How much more can a mere man really hold on for? How much more of this solitude can a heart contend with? That's when we hear it. The thin, small whisper, calling your name. It is not like earlier, not the same as the screams from loved ones attempting to discover you from the outside. No, this voice does not yell. It does not need to. You cup your ears, straining to hear from where in the darkness this lone voice is coming from. As you slowly spin, attempting to narrow down the location of the whisper, you discover the voice is calling not from the entrance, but farther into the cave. "Odd," you think inside. "I thought I was alone in here." You gather up courage for the first time in forever, stand, and slowly walk. As you journey toward the voice, it grows louder, slowly, but enough to let you know you're walking in the right direction. The passage way winds around and around as your hands grope in darkness, unable to see your way, but constantly following the voice, thinking it may know another way out of this cave. Your hands grip the cold, damp walls as they guide you on. A desire begins to grow inside you once again to be known and a desire to share youself with whoever else is in the blackness. Then, without warning, the walls disappear, giving way to a massive cavern. Still unable to see with your eyes, yet hearing the voice more clearly than ever, you step forward in blind faith and walk. Yes, there is fear, in fact you are terrified, but this voice offers something you did not have before: hope. It is this moment, the small second in which the acknowledgement of hope is realized, that the room is pervaded with light from every angle and the voice now surrounds you on all sides, beckoning. "Welcome. Welcome to the inner depths of your heart."
"Who are you?" you ask. "And how long have you been here?"
"You know who I am and I have been all along, whispering your name, longing for you to discover me and discover your heart, for there is no place you can run, no place you hide from me, even in the abyss of your own heart."
Peace surrounds you like a cloud, covering every part of your body.
"What is this feeling," you wonder to yourself.
"Love. It has been a long time since you have felt this, isn't it? But you have to realize, I know you completely and I love you. Before even time began, I loved you. You know not love, for you will accept it. I know love for I am love, and I give it freely. Others long to know you as I know you, and though they may not know you as completely, they desire the chance. You must give them the opportunity. Do not fear. Your deepest fear should never hinder your greatest desire. I know you. Your heart is good. Look around you, it is filled with light, and with love."
"But I do not know the way out," you exclaim to the voice.
"Then let me guide you, and you will finally experience life. Follow me."
THE DISTANCE OF THE HEART
One can only truly know someone as much as they are willing to let themselves be known. You can really go your whole life thinking you know someone, only to discover you know nothing about them, about what's really going on inside them. The human heart and mind are so complex, so maze like, that it becomes so easy to lose oneself in them and never come out. By giving the appearence of complete honesty, yet revealing only safe thoughts, one can remain unknown their entire life. This seems to me so contradictory to the deepest longing in each and every one of us: to be fully known and loved. We all yearn for intimacy in relationships, another to share our deepest desires with, another who will know as much or more about our hearts as we do, yet still love us completely. But instead, what we do with that longing screams for an explanantion, for we run from love instead. We run so fast and so far from intimacy with others. We run with no goal in sight other than to escape those who would demand honesty and depth from us. And when we're done running, when we're out of breath, gasping for air as we place our hands on our knees in exhaustion, we decide to hide. We know the others will continue to search for us, so we hide, hoping beyond hope we will not be found. And it works. Our hiding protects us, for while others are outside frantically searching for us, calling our name, yearning desperately to catch a glimpse of our hearts, we remain hidden. We choose to close ourselves in this cave, this insurmountable cavern of despair that we ourselves have created. "It's safe in here," we tell ourselves. "No one can hurt us here," we tell ourselves. "No one will find us here," we tell ourselves. And no one ever will. No one can for they do not know the way into the cave or even what it looks like. Eventually the voices fade. The cries of loved ones longing to find us disappear, for the search has been called off. The worst has been declared. We are dead. No one will look for us anymore. We are truly alone.
The hearts of those who loved us so dearly and longed to see us have vanished. Our actions, our apathy, our hiding have kept us safe from anyone ever understanding us. We have chosen this solitude, this supposed victory, yet it feels anything but victorious. Our hearts still long for intimacy, and we finally admit the truth: we are lonely. "This is not what I imagined," we tell ourselves. "This is not what I wanted," we tell ourselves. "I need to get out of here," we tell ourselves. Yet we do not move. Our bodies, as if in suspended animation, simply remain just where they have always been. We are alone, and while it is excruciating, we do nothing to stop it. Our deepest desire of being known is clouded by the idea that when people really do see our hearts, they will not love us. So we remove the choice from them, retreating further into this pit, succumbing to the darkness. And the years go by without incident. This retreat into the depths has broken us, yet we remain in pieces rather than seek the comfort others longed to give us. The love they intended was not obligatory. No, it was sincere, real, but we pushed it away when we ran and hid. In our brokenness, we are finally silenced. Our mind is at rest for there is no need anymore to scheme or plan out how to evade love, for it has been evaded. We are lost. Even if we wanted to, even if our heart longed to find its way out, we cannot. We are awaiting doom and we are silent. It should come soon. How much more can a mere man really hold on for? How much more of this solitude can a heart contend with? That's when we hear it. The thin, small whisper, calling your name. It is not like earlier, not the same as the screams from loved ones attempting to discover you from the outside. No, this voice does not yell. It does not need to. You cup your ears, straining to hear from where in the darkness this lone voice is coming from. As you slowly spin, attempting to narrow down the location of the whisper, you discover the voice is calling not from the entrance, but farther into the cave. "Odd," you think inside. "I thought I was alone in here." You gather up courage for the first time in forever, stand, and slowly walk. As you journey toward the voice, it grows louder, slowly, but enough to let you know you're walking in the right direction. The passage way winds around and around as your hands grope in darkness, unable to see your way, but constantly following the voice, thinking it may know another way out of this cave. Your hands grip the cold, damp walls as they guide you on. A desire begins to grow inside you once again to be known and a desire to share youself with whoever else is in the blackness. Then, without warning, the walls disappear, giving way to a massive cavern. Still unable to see with your eyes, yet hearing the voice more clearly than ever, you step forward in blind faith and walk. Yes, there is fear, in fact you are terrified, but this voice offers something you did not have before: hope. It is this moment, the small second in which the acknowledgement of hope is realized, that the room is pervaded with light from every angle and the voice now surrounds you on all sides, beckoning. "Welcome. Welcome to the inner depths of your heart.""Who are you?" you ask. "And how long have you been here?"
"You know who I am and I have been all along, whispering your name, longing for you to discover me and discover your heart, for there is no place you can run, no place you hide from me, even in the abyss of your own heart."
Peace surrounds you like a cloud, covering every part of your body.
"What is this feeling," you wonder to yourself.
"Love. It has been a long time since you have felt this, isn't it? But you have to realize, I know you completely and I love you. Before even time began, I loved you. You know not love, for you will accept it. I know love for I am love, and I give it freely. Others long to know you as I know you, and though they may not know you as completely, they desire the chance. You must give them the opportunity. Do not fear. Your deepest fear should never hinder your greatest desire. I know you. Your heart is good. Look around you, it is filled with light, and with love."
"But I do not know the way out," you exclaim to the voice.
"Then let me guide you, and you will finally experience life. Follow me."
Today the Base Camp staff and I begin our training for LTE's. We're all a little nervous because we actually have to lead them in front of everyone, which would be fine, but we just learned the material yesterday. Pray for wisdom, guidance, and confidence for all of us. Thanks again for everything.