Thoughts on the Heart

So I wrote this in my journal a couple of weeks ago and just thought I would share with whoever wanted to read it. Not sure if it's "right" exactly, but it's what was going through my head at the time and came out through my pen.

THE DISTANCE OF THE HEART

One can only truly know someone as much as they are willing to let themselves be known. You can really go your whole life thinking you know someone, only to discover you know nothing about them, about what's really going on inside them. The human heart and mind are so complex, so maze like, that it becomes so easy to lose oneself in them and never come out. By giving the appearence of complete honesty, yet revealing only safe thoughts, one can remain unknown their entire life. This seems to me so contradictory to the deepest longing in each and every one of us: to be fully known and loved. We all yearn for intimacy in relationships, another to share our deepest desires with, another who will know as much or more about our hearts as we do, yet still love us completely. But instead, what we do with that longing screams for an explanantion, for we run from love instead. We run so fast and so far from intimacy with others. We run with no goal in sight other than to escape those who would demand honesty and depth from us. And when we're done running, when we're out of breath, gasping for air as we place our hands on our knees in exhaustion, we decide to hide. We know the others will continue to search for us, so we hide, hoping beyond hope we will not be found. And it works. Our hiding protects us, for while others are outside frantically searching for us, calling our name, yearning desperately to catch a glimpse of our hearts, we remain hidden. We choose to close ourselves in this cave, this insurmountable cavern of despair that we ourselves have created. "It's safe in here," we tell ourselves. "No one can hurt us here," we tell ourselves. "No one will find us here," we tell ourselves. And no one ever will. No one can for they do not know the way into the cave or even what it looks like. Eventually the voices fade. The cries of loved ones longing to find us disappear, for the search has been called off. The worst has been declared. We are dead. No one will look for us anymore. We are truly alone. The hearts of those who loved us so dearly and longed to see us have vanished. Our actions, our apathy, our hiding have kept us safe from anyone ever understanding us. We have chosen this solitude, this supposed victory, yet it feels anything but victorious. Our hearts still long for intimacy, and we finally admit the truth: we are lonely. "This is not what I imagined," we tell ourselves. "This is not what I wanted," we tell ourselves. "I need to get out of here," we tell ourselves. Yet we do not move. Our bodies, as if in suspended animation, simply remain just where they have always been. We are alone, and while it is excruciating, we do nothing to stop it. Our deepest desire of being known is clouded by the idea that when people really do see our hearts, they will not love us. So we remove the choice from them, retreating further into this pit, succumbing to the darkness. And the years go by without incident. This retreat into the depths has broken us, yet we remain in pieces rather than seek the comfort others longed to give us. The love they intended was not obligatory. No, it was sincere, real, but we pushed it away when we ran and hid. In our brokenness, we are finally silenced. Our mind is at rest for there is no need anymore to scheme or plan out how to evade love, for it has been evaded. We are lost. Even if we wanted to, even if our heart longed to find its way out, we cannot. We are awaiting doom and we are silent. It should come soon. How much more can a mere man really hold on for? How much more of this solitude can a heart contend with? That's when we hear it. The thin, small whisper, calling your name. It is not like earlier, not the same as the screams from loved ones attempting to discover you from the outside. No, this voice does not yell. It does not need to. You cup your ears, straining to hear from where in the darkness this lone voice is coming from. As you slowly spin, attempting to narrow down the location of the whisper, you discover the voice is calling not from the entrance, but farther into the cave. "Odd," you think inside. "I thought I was alone in here." You gather up courage for the first time in forever, stand, and slowly walk. As you journey toward the voice, it grows louder, slowly, but enough to let you know you're walking in the right direction. The passage way winds around and around as your hands grope in darkness, unable to see your way, but constantly following the voice, thinking it may know another way out of this cave. Your hands grip the cold, damp walls as they guide you on. A desire begins to grow inside you once again to be known and a desire to share youself with whoever else is in the blackness. Then, without warning, the walls disappear, giving way to a massive cavern. Still unable to see with your eyes, yet hearing the voice more clearly than ever, you step forward in blind faith and walk. Yes, there is fear, in fact you are terrified, but this voice offers something you did not have before: hope. It is this moment, the small second in which the acknowledgement of hope is realized, that the room is pervaded with light from every angle and the voice now surrounds you on all sides, beckoning. "Welcome. Welcome to the inner depths of your heart."
"Who are you?" you ask. "And how long have you been here?"
"You know who I am and I have been all along, whispering your name, longing for you to discover me and discover your heart, for there is no place you can run, no place you hide from me, even in the abyss of your own heart."
Peace surrounds you like a cloud, covering every part of your body.
"What is this feeling," you wonder to yourself.
"Love. It has been a long time since you have felt this, isn't it? But you have to realize, I know you completely and I love you. Before even time began, I loved you. You know not love, for you will accept it. I know love for I am love, and I give it freely. Others long to know you as I know you, and though they may not know you as completely, they desire the chance. You must give them the opportunity. Do not fear. Your deepest fear should never hinder your greatest desire. I know you. Your heart is good. Look around you, it is filled with light, and with love."
"But I do not know the way out," you exclaim to the voice.
"Then let me guide you, and you will finally experience life. Follow me."

LeaderTreks Started

Well, it's official. I've started as full time staff at LeaderTreks in Wheaton, IL. Thanks to all of you for your continued support this summer as I was going all over the country on trips. I got emails from many of you and knew I was being covered in prayer. My newsletter about the summer will be sent out this week to tell all about it.

I've moved in with Rich and Barb Kolton in Carol Stream, IL, which is only about a six minute drive from the office. They are amazing people whom I have already grown to love a ton. They are very honest and open about their lives and their struggles, which is amazing to be around. They have been a great support to me so far in the first week. Rich is a ton of fun and a huge Bears fan, so it was great to rub their loss in his face yesterday and scream praises for the Packers. He takes it in stride, for his humility is very apparent. Barb has a level of depth not commonly seen and an openness with her life and her fears. She has shared with me on several occasions about the struggles she is going through.

This past weekend I got initiated into the First Baptist youth group this past weekend. I'm starting to volunteer on a weekly basis, so I went on the fall retreat. It was a great time to get to know all the students in The Cause, the name of their youth group. I'll be leading a small group on Sunday nights for guys and regular meetings are on Wednesdays, so I'm pretty excited about being involved in this way.

As for work, I've had a busy time so far. There are four of us right now who make up the Base Camp Summit Team, which basically means we're the newbies. Chase, Renee, Billy, and myself are all in it together and learning everything we can about LT. All last week was introductions to a lot of what we do at LeaderTreks. This week we've started training for LTE's, or Leadership Training Events. These are weekend events where we try to combine a lot of the same principles and experiences from trips into a single weekend trip. I'm totally on board with them. They are amazing! My brother Shannon just ordered an LTE called Foundations of Leadership, which is the one we're all learning this week. I'm excited for his group to learn everything in this LTE. I have my own desk area, which is pretty weird because that signifies a real job to me. Which, it is, but it's still weird.

I've loved getting to know all the staff. They are amazing and have opened their hearts to me. My parents came down to Wheaton on Friday to visit and got to meet the whole staff at our company picnic. After getting into the car, they both turned to me and said they now knew exactly why I had come to LeaderTreks. I hope at some point you get to meet the men and women I serve with.

Today the Base Camp staff and I begin our training for LTE's. We're all a little nervous because we actually have to lead them in front of everyone, which would be fine, but we just learned the material yesterday. Pray for wisdom, guidance, and confidence for all of us. Thanks again for everything.

Dan

P.S. These are just some pictures of the office at LT.

Awesome News and More of the Haps

Well, it's official: I have a place to live!!!!! If you are at all confused about this, let me explain. For the last few months I have been trying to find housing in the Wheaton area, but have not really had much luck because I've wanted to live with a family so I could save my money. Several people have helped a ton, specifically Matt and Kelly Erickson and Mickie Keil, for they had contacts in the area. I am grateful for your help. I got an email on Wednesday morning from an amazing woman named Maggie Rowe, telling me she had found a place. Her husband is the pastor of a church called First Baptist in Wheaton and they are long time friends of the Keil family. Maggie had asked a couple, Rich and Barb Kolton, about a month and a half ago if they would be interested in housing me, but they told her it would be too soon after their son's death, who would be about my age. However, on Wednesday morning, Barb she called Wednesday morning to say that God has been at work, and they want to have me if I didn't yet have a place.

Amazing!!!! I, and so many others, have been praying for months in confidence that God would provide a place and He has. And not just a place, but a family. They have a college aged daughter who attend Northwestern in Minnesota who knows Lauren quite well, and the best part, they have a DOG!!!! I am excited. Thank you so much for all of you that were so diligently praying. God is so good.

On a different note, yesterday was my day off, which was great to have. Lauren and Cherilyn took the day and spent it at the mall, getting pedicures, shopping, and refueling their girly styles. I'm glad they got to spend it together and have such a fun time. They invited me to join them, but I had to decline. Tempting, but no. I had other plans. I hopped back in the van after dropping them off and headed to the National Civil Rights Museum, located several blocks away from Beale St. in downtown Memphis. The museum is actually on the site of the Lorraine Motel, where Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated. It was a moving experience to say the least. I stood in front of the motel, quietly conversing with God, wondering why it was that He allowed a man like this to die so young. I know his death helped to spread the movement, but is a martyr always needed to further the cause? Is blood always a requirement for change? Yes. It was. But I wish I could have seen Dr. King speak, stood there as he spread his words of love to a hate filled world, or marched through the streets with him as sweat poured down my face and voices of death screamed obscenities at us. I wish I could have done these acts of great love, for in that man, through his actions, the presence of Christ was so clear. Dr. King truly understood Christ's call for us to love our enemies, for he knew that in a response filled with violence and hate, nothing good would be accomplished. The streets of Memphis and every other large urban space in America is filled with gangs like the Bloods and the Crips, direct descendants of movements like the Black Panthers. They are polluting our youth and tearing our society apart from within. It is always easier to hate. It is always easier to throw a punch than lend a hand. But it is never better. Dr. King knew this. He payed for it with his life. But so did Jesus. Dr. King knew this as well. And someday I'll get to stand alongside him and we will share meals and laugh and love. And that is better than anything.

Louisiana Missions Part 2

Well, the week in Louisiana is over and I'm back in Memphis now, but that week is still very much in my mind. I had such a dynamic time with those students and I grew a lot. I was forced to question myself on a regular basis, sometimes for the good and at times, for the bad. In the end, it confirmed what I already knew: I have a ton to learn about myself and about God too. My fraility spoke so loudly to me this week, screaming messages that pierced my heart with deadly arrows, yet it pointed me to Christ in a very real way and I'm glad it did. I know I don't know much, for I am still very young, yet I still need to have a confidence that can not shatter easily just because one person may not appreciate my leading style. I know God has placed me in this role for a reason and plans on using me in big ways, that is, if I move out of the way and let Him lead for me.
On a lighter note, the week ended with a ton of fun. My team was able to accomplish much in John Paul's kitchen and we grew quite close to him. I can honestly say I love that man. I never heard him complain. Sure, he shared his struggles with me, but it was never in a cursing tongue. Everything I saw come out of him brought glory to God and I admired him greatly for it. On Thursday night JP celebrated all the volunteer teams by having a shrimp boil in his backyard. It was amazing! Fresh shrimp, fresh crab, gumbo, jambalaya, potatoes, soup, and more. The food was spectacular, and a truly southern experience. My kitchen team also celebrated JP as well. Towards the end, we surrounded him and presented him with his very own encouragement bead necklace. For encouragement beads, LeaderTreks uses four colors for different traits seen in a person: green is for compassion, blue is for risk taking, red is for leadership, and white is for service. Each person can give one bead and when they do it, they must speak to the person receiving it and tell them why they are giving them that bead. We gave JP a necklace with all four colors on it and spoke about why he got each one. It touched him deeply, for he had tears welling up in his eyes. As we walked out, one of the students saw JP turn towards his kitchen and in a slow movement, tie the cord around his neck. Meaningful indeed.

On Friday night we drove into New Orleans for a little fun and to look at the lasting effects of the hurricane on this city. After almost two years trash heaps still cover street corners with pieces of houses and articles of clothing long forgotten. It is depressing to see, but there is still hope. We went for dinner at Bubba Gump Steakhouse and there met two women from the city who have having dinner as well. When several girls in our trip told them why we were down here, they started crying and simply hugged the girls, thanking them over and over again for what we were doing. It was a truly touching moment. And then we had a ton of fun eating. And it was good. More to come.
On Saturday, Lauren, Cherilyn, and I drove back to Memphis. Two more weeks here. All for now.

Louisiana Missions

Wow! What a crazy time it's been. The first trip in Memphis ended on Saturday morning as I watched the slightly dazed middle schoolers climb into their vans and head back to Houston. They were an awesome group to start off with and had an absolutely amazing youth leader, Eric Hill. I'm hoping I get to work with him again some time. I enjoyed his extreme depth and focus, and at the same time held an amazing sense of humor that meshed so well with me. He kept a blog of the week that students could write on, so if you want to check it out, it's http://web.mac.com/fsmstudents

It has some amazing comments from students and the staff about personal growth and challenges from God in their lives.

As soon as the vans pulled away, Lauren, Cherilyn, and I packed up our belongings, loaded into our own van, and then drove down to Lousiana to get ready for a new team. We hooked up with three other LeaderTreks staff members: Amy, a full time staff member; Evan, a summer intern from Cedarville college; and Morgan Jane, a summer intern from Rhodes college. Amy is the official leader, but her and Lauren have been sharing teaching times. This trip kicked off it's start on Sunday night as our high school team from Bloominton, IL pulled into our basecamp. Frank, their youth pastor, is a former staff member from LT and knew his team would grow and prosper from these trips. His students have already been challenged to step up a lot and have pulled together more and more.

The last two days I've been leading a small team as we remodel a kitchen in an apartment unit used by our main contact in the area, John Paul. Not real sure of JP's last name, but that's okay, because everyone in the area just knows him as John Paul. This man is amazing! I've been so impressed with his knowledge of the area, his wit, and his unending grace when it comes to working with the teams and the people in the area. JP works with the United Methodist Church's Disaster Relief team and is the sole staff member here in Dulac, Louisiana. He's running on more cylinders than he has and will not stop. I'm a bit concerned for him as he's nearing the point of burn out. They have him coordinating all the volunteer teams in the area, working 7 days a week, cooking for the teams, cleaning their bunk houses, and he's away from his wife, who lives in South Carolina. I have never gained so much respect for one man in so short a time period. He loves these people with a passionate heart of service that is only from God, for no mere man can give this much on his own. I have been burdened by his story and hurt for him today. I know his treasure in heaven will be great, for he is a true example of a man who is forsaking all earthly riches for the good of the kingdom.

I'll leave it here for now and try to update it again this week. I love you all.

JP took us for a ride in his 64' Ford Galaxy.

Awesome ride, but we ran into a little trouble.